she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
