Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
