I like my sex mixed with concussions.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
