Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
