I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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