i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
