He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
