How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
