at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
