I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
