My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
