oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
