there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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