Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize