I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
