My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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