Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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