I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
