I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
