i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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