just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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