I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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