so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
