I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize