Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
