I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
