Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
