Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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