3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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