I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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