dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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