he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I didn't notice because vodka
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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