1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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