Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
