Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
