I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
