I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
The uberlube is also flammable
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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