I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I just forgot I was standing up.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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