Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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