for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
