I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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