UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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