he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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