take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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