is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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