i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Randomize
