Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
