mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
