I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
