I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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