I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
The dick lei will go down in squad history
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