one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
