what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
