we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
