You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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