i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
