I cut my penus on the lid.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
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