'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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