Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
