easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
